Bush Vs. Obama; A Timeline

Let us take a look at the past five years of our nation’s history in terms of foreign relations, terrorism and our economy.   Some factual information may have been slightly altered in order to add comedic pinash. 

The final two Bush Years:

2006:   The financial calamity had not yet shown its ugly face so Bush decided to spend a lot of time dealing with illegal immigration from Mexico.  A novel idea with the proper follow through but the resolutions got completely bushed when they began building a fence along the Mexico border.  A fence that would never be finished and a fence that accounts for less than 10% of the US/Mexican Border.  The Mexican’s promptly continued digging their tunnels, which they have always used to get into the United States only now; they were laughing their asses off at our president while doing so.   

2006:  Our two wars between Iraq and Afghanistan plugged on.  At this point, we were doing a lot of expensive walking around those two countries.  We were not accomplishing much with our reactive approach.  But we were accomplishing spending 110 Billion Dollars a year.  Bush launched a massive drone campaign designed to blow up every deserted mountain along the Afghan/Pakistan border.  He nearly succeeded.

 When asked how things are going in Iraq, Bush responded with…"It's bad in Iraq. Does that help?” -George W. Bush, after being asked by a reporter whether he's in denial about Iraq, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006

2006:  Vice President Dick Cheney shoots his friend in the face because he thought he was a quail. 

2006:  George Bush met with the Texas Longhorn Football Team. 

2007:  The nation finds out that Bush and Cheney have been water-boarding suspected terrorists in their basement with all the windows closed and the lights turned off.   Bush and Cheney call this “enhanced interrogation techniques” and then go back to playing war with each other in the woods behind the White House and shooting bottle rockets at each other. 

2007/2008:  The housing bubble began to burst.  Bush spent most of time trying to combat illegal immigration and steroid using baseball players.    

"First of all, I don't see America having problems." --interview with Bob Costas at the 2008 Olympics, Beijing, China, Aug. 10, 2008

2007/2008:  The housing bubble completely collapses and America finds itself on the verge of the worst financial disaster in the better part of a century.  After several panicked speeches to the nation as well as allowing his administration to be effectively strong armed by the Federal Reserve and Wall Street in order to hand nearly 800 Billion Dollars to banks and insurance companies Bush summed it up like this…

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

2007/2008:  Bush basically spends the end of his term coloring and eating Hot Pockets in the Oval Office and the nation elects Barrack Obama to the presidency.    The Dow finishes Bush’s run in office hovering somewhere around 7900.  This was its lowest point since the cretaceous period.

2008:  Bush and his wife and kids are physically forced to sit in chairs directly behind Barack Obama as Obama makes his presidential Acceptance Speech.  Obama’s acceptance speech is basically Barack calling George a stupid asshole for 45 minutes.  The National Mall erupts with joy and civic pride.

2008/2009:  Barack Obama has taken over the presidency and within the first 15 minutes eradicates most of Bush’s laws, including his laws against stem cell research.  For the first time, in a long time, Michael J. Fox cracks a smile. 

2008/2009:  Obama begins to hold banks and large insurance firms accountable for the billions of dollars Bush gave them.  Magically, the banks begin to give the excess money back.  The Dow begins a steady climb upward.  George Bush moves back to Crawford Texas and immediately begins erecting a fence around his house to keep out Mexicans. 

2008/2009:  Obama drastically decreases the troop level in Iraq and rotates them into Afghanistan where they are needed effectively bringing both situations unto a level of control not yet seen in the nearly decade long conflicts.  Obama’s administration goes to Pakistan and calls them all liars to their faces and basically tells them that they can all go F themselves, we’ll do it all ourselves.  George Bush graduates from Crawford Community College after demonstrating that he actually can read three sentences without making something up in the middle.  In celebration he does cocaine, rips his shirt off and wrestles a Bull to the ground with his bare hands.  All the while, the Bush family shoots guns into the air. 

2008/2009:  Obama stops torturing people.  He also goes to actual Arab countries and makes speeches that speak to Arabs in an eloquent, respectful manner.  The impact of this watershed piece of foreign policy is still reaping benefits today.  This action, to me, is still the greatest piece of offense thus far in the war on terror. This action by our president was the equivalent of an Atom Bomb on top of the Al Qaeda Headquarters.   It demonstrated to a massive region of people that they no longer have to live in a world governed by fear mongers and oppressive dictators.  Somewhere in Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden began to cry and pissed in his pants. 

2010:  The Dow has continued its constant rise and is now somewhere between 9 and 10 thousand.  Banks begin to lend money again and turn in profitable quarterly figures for the first time in years.  For the first time in a long time, people begin to think, “Maybe I won’t need to move my mom into the cellar”.  “Maybe I will have a job next week”, “Maybe Paw will not have to defend my house with a gun like its little house on the prairie.” 

2010:  Obama accomplishes pushing Health Care Reform through, something that the previous four administrations have been unable to do.  The Republicans immediately call the move too expensive and begin to piss all over each other demanding a free version of Health Care Reform that only rich people who live near their fat white bodies can utilize. 

2011: The Dow is now just about back to where it was before the housing bubble collapsed.  Companies are returning to profitability and the idea of small business is no longer a laughing stock.  The republicans are so upset by this that they knock Cheney’s wheelchair over on top of Lincoln Monument and then leave him there crying.

2011:  Obama releases his long awaited Birth Certificate from Hawaii which amazingly looks like every other Birth Certificate in the world.  The Republicans immediately pop their collars, tie their sweaters around their necks and begin physically attacking union leaders in Wisconsin and Ohio.

2011:  Barack Obama comes onto television around midnight and announces that he authorized one of the most incredible, surgical military operations in the history of special warfare.  An announcement that culminated in him telling the world that we finally killed Osama Bin Laden.  It was an eloquent, nine minutes of serious, intimidating, confident, prideful dialogue the likes of which I have never seen.  I’ve never felt so much like I had a “leader” in my life as I did while listening to that speech.   It was absolutely gangster yet absolutely perfect and socially acceptable.   

I find myself envisioning how Bush would have approached the same scenario.   More than likely he would have come out wearing some sort of a cowboy hat and bullet vest, saying something along the lines of “Today, on May First Two-Hundred-Thousand and Ten err Eleven, I authorized the thermo nuclear destruction of a town in Pakistan where we think Bin Laden might have been held up.  Our boys in Hazmat suits are now combing through the destruction to verify if we got him.  But I think we did, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED BITCHES!!”  Then he would have shot a pistol into the air and accidently blew an awning off of the East Rooms ceiling. 

2011:  The country immediately erupts into celebration while the otherworldly details of the mission slowly come out.  Steven Spielberg would have been hard pressed to dream up such a scenario.  We all come to find out that the last thing our greatest enemy saw on Planet Earth was a covert Seal Team blowing through the door to his bedroom.  The man who brought the idea of “terror” to all of our front doors met his maker in the most terrifying, intimidating way imaginable. 

Somewhere in Crawford Texas, a slow clap could be heard coming out of the Bush Compound for even they were able to recognize the gravity of what had been accomplished. 

The republicans put down their magnifying glasses and stop scrutinizing Obama’s birth certificate and asked themselves, “What the fuck are we doing?  With these kinds of results in 3 years, does it really matter if this man was born in Hawaii or Honduras?  Obviously he has our best interest at heart. Has anything we have done over the past decade helped anyone in anyway?”