Ever Notice:

Did you ever notice that aliens never seem to abduct anyone smart?   Every time I hear a testimonial about how someone was abducted by aliens, it is always from some sweaty, cracked out hick in a Disney tank top.  When was the last time you heard of a physicist or some kind of engineer or anyone who has graduated from High School being abducted by aliens?   Is it just a coincidence or do you think the aliens have some sort of an affinity for unintelligent, strung out, white people?   Come to think of it, I have never heard of a black person being abducted by aliens either.  So it looks like we’ve got a bunch of racist, white trash loving aliens on our hands,…. terrifying.   Obviously I don’t think any of it is true, but if it is, and the aliens are judging the entirety of the human race based off of these people, we are all doomed.

Did you ever notice how American’s don’t really ever figure anything out or fix anything anymore?  At present, we have bridges falling into rivers, road conditions that rival that of Bangladesh, diseases that have been killing people for decades,  an economy based on lousy service, gas prices at an all time high, a populous that cares more about sports and preventing smoking in bars then education for their kids,  a completely divided government, two and a half wars, birds falling from the sky, oil spills, fish dying, bankrupt cities, bankrupt states and a Federal Government that would be bankrupt if they ever stopped printing money for themselves, a world full of people who hate us and global warming.  But what are we focused on now, marketing, cell phones and making boner pills.  

Did you ever notice how everyone seems to become stupider as soon as they get behind the wheel of a car?   I don’t know why it happens, but people seem to become more and more inept on our roads on a daily basis.  It is not tough to see the evidence. It is as though everyone gets into their car in the morning and then proceeds to hit themselves in the head with a hammer before they pull out of their driveway.  In 2010 alone, I have personally witnessed the following roadside incidents;

·         A woman rammed into the side of a bridge and ripped off her own side view mirror and then just kept driving like nothing happened.

·          A guy who backed into a tree, in his own front yard, in the middle of summer.  And he must have done this at a high rate of speed because his car was basically destroyed.

·         A man who got hit by a car outside of my Laundromat who scrambled to his feet after the crash and grabbed his drugs off the ground and then just ran away. 

·         A man who slammed his kids head into the trunk of his car on accident.

·         A tractor trailer completely engulfed in flames in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

·         Finally I saw, a tow truck attempt to pull a car out of a ditch and effectively yanked his own tow truck into the ditch on top of the car he was trying to tow, destroying the car completely. 

These are events that I have personally witnessed or witnessed the immediate aftermath of, over the past one year of time.  People are terrible at driving cars these days, absolutely, positively terrible. 

Did you ever notice how terrible we are at handling traffic accidents?   In my opinion, if there is a traffic accident that potentially effects hundreds or thousands of people from getting to where they are trying to go, then priority one should be to move the wrecked crap out of everyone’s way.   Unfortunately, more often than not, the authorities spend an hour blocking off lanes, setting up flares, interviewing people, basically just dicking around trying to CSI the incident.  As though it is difficult to figure out which moron managed to slam into the other one with his car on a highway.  Meanwhile, the other several thousand of us taxpaying citizens, have to sit in our cars, burning through our precious gasoline waiting to be allowed to move on with our lives.

 If I had my way, there would be a huge bulldozer, every 10 miles or so, along every highway.  And if you are talented enough to get into a car wreck on a highway, you have about 15 minutes to overcome your injuries and get your car off the road and out of everyone else’s way.  If not, the bulldozer will move you and your car, and anything else in front of it into the ditch.  The cops can then sort it out later.  The bulldozer could also be useful for road kill removal as well as snow removal in winter; it’s a win win situation.

Did you ever notice how 90’s Alternative Rock has quietly become the most resilient genre of music, ever?  They say Rock and Roll will never die.  But more specifically, 90’s Alternative Rock seems to be more resilient then a cockroach in a nuke storm.  I am convinced that I am going to be listening to songs like “No Rain” by Blind Melon and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” by The Spin Doctors until the day I die. 

What sort of royalties are Jane’s Addiction still collecting after all these years from their smash hits like; “Jane Said” and “Been Caught Stealing”?   I can’t go a month of my life without hearing both of those songs.  You can’t even get yourself away from this music, it will seek you out, wherever you are, and you will have to sit and listen to Perry Ferrell’s bitchy, womanly, pee-wee Herman voice, screeching out of your speakers. 

Why this genre?  You don’t hear 70’s disco music being played with anywhere near this sort of frequency, you can’t even find 80’s hair metal on the radio anymore except a few select songs.   The late 90’s, early 2000’s “Nu-Metal” movement is all but forgotten, grunge has been relegated to radio filler for all of the 90’s alternative rock wrapped around it.  I find it amazing that I can’t tell you the last time I heard the Beatles on the radio but I can tell you exactly the last time I heard The Counting Crows.