Ass Beatable Offenses:

There are things that people do, unfortunately on an everyday basis which I feel warrant a good old fashioned ass kicking. These offenses fall under a unique subset of qualifiers within which, they aren’t illegal or even really against any sort of standard rules within your home or workplace. However, you doing any of these things should end with you catching an ass kicking. And the powers that be should ignore any sort of legal action against the party who provides the ass kicking so long as they can prove that the offender attempted to do any of the below items.

Cooking fish in the microwave at work:

Find something else for lunch you shit slob. And if you are that much of a seafood lover that you can’t pass up an opportunity to stuff left over flounder into your head on your lunch break, than eat it cold. There is no need for you to make everyone within smelling distance of the company microwave suffer because of your poor decision making. Cooking fish, at work, should buy you one passionate ass kicking, courtesy of your coworkers.

Using more than one “Corporate Term" in a single sentence:

For example, if someone starts a sentence with something like “Moving forward, we are projecting to…” that person should never get to finish that sentence. That sentence should end in a knuckle sandwich for whoever was trying to poison your ears with that nonsense.

Trying to talk sports, when you obviously know nothing about sports:

Men need to know what they are talking about when it comes to sports prior to engaging other men in a conversation about sports. I have not personally spent decades of my life honing my knowledge of every major sport on the planet to listen to some wind bag try to convince me that a hat trick in hockey is when the puck bounces off of a players head into the goal. Wasting knowledgeable sports fans time in such a manner should, at the very least, end with that man’s head inside of some sort of public toilet.

Unwanted touching of any kind:

We have all had some sort of acquaintance throughout our lives whom we would consider to be a “toucher”. Someone who thinks its okay, to have his hand on your shoulders or back or chest as he talks to you. I view this practice as an invasion of my personal space. To me, this gives me the right to invade that guy’s personal space which I will quickly take advantage of, by punching him in the throat and pushing him down on the ground.

Someone in front of you in line being a jerk to someone who makes minimum wage:

How much of a social reject do you have to be to take out your frustrations on the guy who bags your groceries? The next time I hear some douche call the bag guy at the grocery an idiot for putting something in a bag in such a way that he did not agree with, everyone within earshot should be allowed to grab that douche by the shirt collar and ram his head into the CoinStar machine until he pisses his own pants.

Cowards who yell things at you out of car windows as they drive past you:

I don’t know about you, but I immediately look for a brick to throw every time some sort of panty waste decides to yell something to me as he drives past me at 45 miles per hour. I think, if you have the superhuman ability to catch up to this person, perhaps at a stop light, you should be well within your rights to yank them out of that car window and see exactly how tough they are when the shit really hits the fan.

People who smile at you when the situation does not call for them to be smiling:

For example, when a guy comes up to you, who you are not friends with, and says something like “Well it looks like the Browns lost this weekend again, huh?” with a big smile on his face, there should be nothing stopping you from pulling his polo shirt over his head and driving his face into the carpet.

People on a moving sidewalk who think it is their ticket to stop walking:

These people are a disgrace. Just because the floor is now moving you along does not give you the right to hold everyone else at the airport hostage behind your fat, luggage towing, body. How tired are you that you can’t even walk anymore? Did you just get off of a plane ride or were you marooned in the Sahara for eight months? There should be nothing wrong with body checking these lazy water bags over the sides of the moving sidewalk in the name of everyone else’s progress.

One upper:

A “one upper” is someone who you can’t possibly tell any sort of an anecdote to without him coming back with his own, more fantastical version of your story. This one is difficult because you have to be able to prove that he is lying. Eventually the one upper will slip, something won’t tie out in his story, something will overlap incorrectly, and when it does, you should setup a meeting between the one uppers face and your size 11 boot.

People who start talking in the middle of your sentence:

There is not much in the world that pisses me off more than this. If I am saying something, at least do me the common courtesy of allowing me to finish the thought. Whatever sort of verbiage you are dying to let fall out of your stupid, inconsiderate, pie hole is not that important that it can’t wait four additional seconds. I think someone should be allowed to do this to you once as maybe he just thought you were done and didn’t realize you were still talking. But if he does it again, his head meets drywall. And drywall always wins.

These are but a few of multiple examples but I have to stop writing. I’m getting too worked up.