At one point in High School, myself and my classmates were forced to take a comprehensive, 11 page exam designed to figure out what sort of career best suited our personalities. Even at the time, I felt like I was taking a quiz that someone had clipped out of a Cosmo. Nonetheless, I answered every question to the best of my abilities with one hundred percent truth behind each of my answers. I waited a week to get my results back, which for some dumbass reason, were given back to us in yellow envelopes, like these results were of some kind of national security risk. I opened my envelope and there is was, right in the top middle of the first page.
“After review of Matt’s entries and answers we feel Matt’s ideal career choice should be… Tugboat Captain”
I immediately found this result curious as I had never been on any sort of a boat in my life. I had never set foot in any ocean, I lived in Ohio and I had never even thought about perusing any sort of nautical career. How could a kid, who had not spent 15 minutes of his life, in any sort of body of water, be told that he should become a Tugboat Captain?
Is it even possible to just BECOME a Tugboat Captain? Wouldn’t I have to work my way up through some sort of tugboat ranking system? Or could I just show up one day, show them this test and immediately be named the captain of a tugboat? Wouldn’t some sort of pervious management experience be required? After all, I would be in charge of tugging enormous boats around some kind of body of water. I’m not sure you can obtain that sort of responsibility just because it perfectly suits your personality. How large is the crew on a tugboat? It can’t be more than a two or three person operation. So that must be the lowest form of “Captain” imaginable. This test basically told me that I should go be the captain of a floating tow truck.
This particular test really failed me. I don’t even need to try it out, I know for a fact, that I would hate every minute of my professional life, had I become the captain of a tugboat.
Even stranger, about 6 of my friends from this particular class were told, on the same test, that they should all become Park Rangers. These were all kids who were in my English class when we got our results back. There were only about 30 people in that class. Therefore according to the state of Ohio, 1/5th of the kids in my 11th grade English class should have become park rangers. Can you imagine how astronomical the odds are of that test even being remotely correct about this were? Six out of 30 kids, from the middle of nowhere Ohio, all of whom were in Mrs. Roth’s 3rd period English class, were all destined for a fulfilling life as Park Rangers. My friend Bob, who nobody has ever considered outdoorsy, was told to become a park ranger. The sheer thought of Bob, prancing around the woods in a park ranger uniform makes me laugh my ass off every time. It would be like if Jack Black was a park ranger.
Another friend of mine who is now an architect was told to become a grocery store supervisor on this particular test. I find this one pretty hilarious, because by the time he had graduated from High School, he was already a grocery store supervisor. Granted, he didn’t stop there; he paid his own way through college and is now an architect. What in the hell is the State of Ohio doing telling 16 year olds that they should strive to become the supervisor of a grocery store? Is that really a career choice to them? Talk about setting the bar low. What is this 1952? No offence to all of the great grocery store supervisors out there, but I feel like you end up as a grocery store supervisor, not so much work towards becoming one.
My main point being, America has the wrong people doing the wrong jobs. I don’t know what kind of crack squad of savvy motivated personnel they had putting this test together but there is no way they had any idea what in the hell they were doing. I feel horrible for what must have been thousands of kids who took these results seriously. There is a pretty good chance that those Bozo’s ruined a lot of young people’s lives with their horrendous feedback. I honestly look at the “Which 80’s Hair Band best suits your personality” test on Facebook as a much more reliable judge of my character, than this test was.
What if everyone were to have listened to the results of their test? The world would be overrun by park rangers and low level management. No boats would be able to get into port because none of the tugboat captains would have any idea what the hell they were doing. Oil spills would be an everyday occurrence, you would never be able to find anything you needed at the grocery store, and you wouldn’t be able to go outside without being harassed by park rangers.
Now, what these people should have done is take a step back and give the kids more of a broad approach? Maybe not give them such specific vocations? Maybe you tell me, that my personality is well suited for leadership in stressful situations, instead of “Hey, go become a tugboat captain”. Maybe you tell Bob and my five other friends, that their personality is best suited for a job that rewards their physical fitness, offers flexibility and takes into account their authoritative assets not “Hey, how about you all become park rangers”. How about you tell Raymond to become something other than a grocery store supervisor?
When you look at what we are expected to do in High School, this fiasco of a test was kind of just par for the course. Why in god’s name, we have High School kids dissecting animals is still beyond me. I have managed to make a fairly good living for myself without once having to identify a crawfishes urinary tract. But who knows, that sort of information might have come in handy, had I become a tugboat captain.
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